To Dont’s: Cheat Sheet (Quick Reference Guide) – Top 10 Tips

DON’T say to a man: 10 Things…

  1. Don’t say “But…” (The word “but” triggers competitive energy). Do Say “AND…”
  2. Don’t say… “I want…” This activates his competitive mind… puts you in friend zone… hampers his ability to freely give to you. Freely giving to the woman is a man’s lifeblood. It’s in his DNA. Don’t steal his thunder.
  3. Don’t say… “I think…” This activates his competitive mind. Puts you in the friend zone… Do say… “I feel…” This activates his pursuing, protecting drive. Instinctively.
  4. NEVER TELL HIM WHAT TO DO… (for an exaggerated example… See “pass the salt” in love tips)
  5. DON’T ARGUE. Don’t fight fair… Fight Feminine. DO share feelings in I statements. Don’t use the word “you”. Especially in the midst of tension. (Best to say “I don’t know… I don’t want to argue… if he’s picking a fight… DO say… I love you… this doesn’t feel good… or… if necessary… I love you and I don’t want to talk about that … or… if hearing his words feels bad inside…DO say … you’re free to say this but it feels bad… And then, duck out for the time being…) If you are feeling flooded, back out of a discussion. Arguing with a man and using a lot of words at any time for any reason is like saying “… I think…” on steroids. Firstly, it activates competitive energy in a man, changes his physiology. There ARE ways to be heard. Silence is powerful. Silence is a power language of a woman. A few vulnerable words about your feelings followed by silence is most effective. He will hear you in silence later… as he reflects. Hearing you later on his own is common for a man … if you keep talking, he drowns you out. It is physiological. Men flood faster than women. They have a lower threshold for emotional conflict. If you are feeling stuck in a loop… feeling repetitive…. if you are using a lot of words (for any reason) you are trying to control… he feels it… he rebels … instinctively…  Instead, find a way out of a conversation. Once you fall into an arguing pattern, it is a death knell for “eros” and intimacy. It changes a man’s brain… rewiring him to see you as an enemy… competition. A man cannot be attracted to a woman he is competing with. Masculine vs. masculine kills “Eros” . Secondly, he CANNOT HEAR YOU when he feels threatened… it is biology… physiology… neurology… He can hear anger … he can handle it (see more on anger in love tips) … He cannot hear you when he feels threatened by competition… too many words shut him down too… stay in  feminine mode. Even when angry. A woman may yell and express feelings but then off she goes. She doesn’t overstay her welcome and argue…
  6. Don’t initiate intimacy – he feels turned off. He may appreciate sex. He WON’T appreciate you.
  7. DON’T ASK a lot of questions (2 exceptions: 1. What do you think? (Do ask that often) 2. Are you mad at me? (it is disarming and it may open dialogue… When a man withdraws notably, it means he’s angry – likely he feels disrespected. He doesn’t have words to tell you so. Asking if he is mad may help. On this point… See… post entitled “For a man… Respect = Love”)
  8. Don’t ask what he is thinking (He feels smothered).
  9. Don’t ask how he feels (He feels mothered)
  10. Don’t Talk First. Don’t Lead. Don’t Initiate. Melt, Receive, and Respond. Let him ask questions. Let him ask you out. Let him propose. Let him wrestle with the words to pursue. Men appreciate what they pursue. It’s instinctive. It’s biological. It’s not a game.  For more on this, read about “letting him lead” in love tips.