Thank you for browsing. My mission is to help women to heal. I created this 4 months ago and it is time to do it over…
Life has humbled me. I discovered Rori Raye last summer at the end of a relationship that wasn’t working where I felt desperate to make it work. Her tools began to change me and transform my love life. I started dating lots of men, casually, not sex, coffee, dinner, fun times out, and feeling good about myself. It felt like the beginning of applying my decade plus of recovery to an area that still eluded me, love and relationships. I could feel the way that her tools treated codependency moment to moment. Being able to be in the moment, not get overly needy and attached before knowing someone, not get overly invested without having a real meaningful commitment with someone and yet discovering my own authentic self in the moment with a lot of different men and experiences but also in my own life in some new ways.
And then, in this process, I met a man who is about to be the father of my child. I am almost 7 months pregnant. We were not sexually active for 6 months. We share a Catholic faith and I wanted to stick with those values. He respected that too. He talked a lot about marriage but we weren’t quite there yet. And then we were together once or twice and I was pregnant. And everything changed. I felt sick 24 hours / day. I didn’t want him to touch me, even on my arm or skin because it made me feel like I had motion sickness. He wanted to help, move in, be there, get things for me like fruit and yogurt at 10pm when I had cravings, etc. We were preparing to take a marriage prep class in the Catholic church and met with a priest. But things went very wrong and it all ended abruptly and we didn’t talk for over a month. I spent the last month or so of my first trimester, just sleeping as much as I could. I took unisom which supposedly helped with the nausea but my favorite part of it was the extra hours of being unconscious. The only brief moments of Joy that I experienced in that period were seeing this beautiful little girl growing in my belly every couple weeks at the doctor’s office.
I wasn’t yet working. I had just finished grad school in December. Now it was the late winter, early spring of 2017. I didn’t feel physically better until 4-4.5 months of my pregnancy. I’ve never felt lonelier or more despairing. I even tried keeping up with Rori’s programs in a sense. I tried dating a few times with new men but it felt so strained and so not what I wanted to do.
I was determined to get a ministry job and make use of 4.5 years of ministry education especially after money to support that had come from my family so generously. But nothing was falling into place. I ended up scrambling to get a job in a familiar field, software, doing coaching and consulting that I knew I could earn a good living doing and I knew I was good at getting those kinds of jobs. I was miserable there too once I started. But I needed to find my own source of income because the time had come, having graduated, to be financially independent again, free of the money coming from family. It was starting to put a strain on my relationship with my mom to take any more family money.
The reason I am revisting this site now is because it has bothered me for a while knowing its out there. It’s not exactly me. Rori Raye is amazing and her tools are definitely a part of me now, but I am not her. I am me. And whatever I put out there has to be me. So what is the difference between me and her or me and anyone?
My ministry is being formed slowly I suspect. I am about to be a mom. I prayed for so many weeks in the last month or so because I was struggling at work and I saw God turn that situation around in a miraculous way. Everything I asked for in my heart, everything I would have wanted, if I were praying without holding back, was what I ended up with. I had been feeling like I couldn’t take it anymore, like working 5 days was too much, like I was struggling with my teams. I prayed for two weeks and I wrote and one day, in a meeting with my boss, without me sharing all the details, she offered me an opportunity to work for home 3 days / week until the baby comes, and maybe more thereafter. To create training materials for my field, YouTube type videos, etc. Things I am good at that are creative and fun. I started playing to my strengths, working with my teams and leaders in a different way, experiencing more positive relationships. I knew I was a bit better 1:1 than I was with groups so I started working through leaders to reach the groups through them, having more 1:1 conversations with leaders that felt more fun and inspiring on both sides. Part of getting this to happen was also playing to my boss’s strengths rather than focusing on areas where our relationship struggled and the things about her I was judging or disliking. For example, she doesn’t like conflict, going to her with issues and wanting her to navigate them with leaders wasn’t working well but I knew that I could ask her to talk about my career path because that was an area where she felt like she could help more easily and being able to help without having to deal with conflicts was something she liked and was good at. So going with the flow more. And all of these shifts came from weeks of prayer and insights in prayer, quiet time, also journaling, and the spaces in between where God does his own work, the things he does for us that we can’t do for ourselves, and then also the courage he gives us to do the things we can do ourselves, if we keep asking him for it. And then, those nudges we get to do the things we resist that he would have us do, even if they are hard or scary in the moment. All of it comes together in good ways.
I went back to see the father of my child on Easter weekend toward the beginning of my second trimester. I was just barely starting to feel better physically. I had a picked up a book of novenas at a church in my area that I tried for the first time in late March and they had a set of bookshelves where newcomers can select a free book. I selected the book the way I often do things, intuitively.
But when I went home and read it the next morning as part of my morning prayer routine, I stumbled upon a novena for families. And I lost it. I had been trying to be so strong about everything that had gone wrong with the father of my baby. I was trying to sleep away as much of my early pregnancy and loneliness and nausea as I could, just trying to get through the days, taking the vitamins, finding the job, doing what I need to do for my recovery, etc. And suddenly while reading these prayers, I was a mess, I was not able to hold it all together anymore that day. And, perhaps against some sort of better judgment, I went to see the father of my baby. We talked a few times that week. I told him I wanted to be a family if we could, if it could all be fixed, but I didn’t think it was in my power to fix it and I didn’t know how that would be or what it would look like. He said he wanted that too if it could be. He got a better job, we kept talking and seeing each other for a while, and he was working on things in his own recovery that he needed to.
But things were not going well for us. And they still aren’t. They seem to have gotten worse. I know that no one wants to hear a story like that. But I want to be honest and real and authentic. Things are not good between he and I and I don’t know if we are going to make it. Right now it looks bleak.
These last few weeks have been unusual. While this one area of my life feels so far from how I would want it to be, there is something stirring in me and I know that something is good. Aside from this beautiful little girl coming (who is literally stirring all day in there), work has shifted in a good way. Rather than just bailing on it, repair has started to happen there. And I feel like I am writing more, having more creative ideas, I want to write a devotional prayer book about my experiences with the rosary. I pray the rosary slower than most Catholics. I can hardly keep up with Catholic marathon style prayer but I also know there is something good in that too. I know a lot of Catholics who encounter God in the repetition and speed of prayers. I get that because for many years prior to becoming a Christian, I spent 10+ years on an eastern path and there are eastern practices in which I remember experiencing God (although I would not have known to reference Him at the time) in the chanting which is similar. God speaks in the midst of that repetition. A lot of people misunderstand Catholic ritual prayer as “rote” or somehow mundane. Of course it could be that but so can anything depending on where the “pray-er” is in his or her relationship with God. Long windy prayers of personal confession can also be rote if the one praying is not connected to them.
Anyway, all that said, I am more of a contemplative or a mystic in some ways. I am a Catholic woman but I like to dwell on the rosary a bit. I don’t say it super slow but I allow insights to come in the midst of it and I do this with prayer in general, I pause a lot, and have almost a lectio divina approach to everything. Although, I am curious if I might also get into the other style sometime here and there. Anyway, so I would like to collect my insights in the various decades of the rosary as I have them and write a devotional of them. Hopefully this may help others, especially women. Interestingly, last Monday, all of these were the joyful mysteries, annunciation angel to Mary, visitation for Mary/Elizabeth, etc and the insights I had felt very relevant to pregnancy, motherhood, camaraderie with community and women, and all that comes with it. And I recorded snippets…
I am also writing here… I am also getting a chance to be creative at work, and excited to have a portfolio in that area too. I remember thinking one day years ago perhaps that I just didn’t want to die without having left something of myself behind for the world to help or mean or do something.
Well, I am producing more things now to leave but then it just occurred to me, even better, I am about to have a daughter! She is going to do great and wonderful things too, just by being whoever she is, whoever God is calling her to be. And it really is amazing how much I can already love her when she is still in my belly. I can only hope I do her justice as her mom because clearly I have been called to do that job well. Sometimes God makes things clear. I felt so clear when I was called to seminary. And obviously he has called me to be the mom of this little girl coming, evidence being, she is growing in my belly!
Anyway, I don’t have a ring on my finger. I am still not married. I am now 40. I don’t have any of this wrapped up in a bow at this point as far as that goes that I can share with you to give you hope that if you play your cards right it will all work out with the man the way you hoped or had in mind.
But, as I was up at 4AM (a common occurrence since my 2nd trimester began), and I was feeling sad about where things are with my beautiful little girl’s dad to be, I glanced over and saw that novena prayer book on my nightstand and it occurred to me “prayers aren’t always answered pleasantly but they are always answered” and then for some reason, I thought to write here. I want to revamp this site so that its not me imitating Rori Raye or trying to be something I am not. So that it is me, finding, becoming, and being me. And somehow trusting that in that process, God will do what he can do through me, which is so much more than I can ever do on my own when trying to do anything.
I wonder if he only can or chooses to work in and through us to the full when we can really 100% wholeheartedly step out of the way but step into who we are. If that makes any sense… So I will be revamping. I hope you find something here you like.